Guilt tripping

I did some impulse shopping last Sunday. Went to watch Newton, came out feeling really positive and saw a very pretty dress hanging on a mannequin by a shop window. Made a dash to the changing room-tried it-it fit me!-paid the bill-and came out of the shop beaming. Even more than before.Now a lot of people I know are shocked by the usage of the words 'impulse' and 'me' in the same sentence. Of course, if there is a positive correlation between the two. I must say I act impulsively from time to time. If running/working out more than required on a given day, cheat eating on weekdays, staying up late well beyond regular hours to finish reading a book count then yeah I do impulsive things all the time!Anywho, as soon as I reached home, a weird guilt took over the impulse from an hour ago. I started forwarding pics of me in that dress to random friends, to not feel bad about the purchase. Do you know what happened? The reinforcement was not enough. It added to the guilt. I opened my wardrobe and started staring at it. So. Many. Clothes. And I added one more to that pile. Not just that, I knew I would not be able to wear this fancy dress anywhere else (It's too festive). And then began the slippery slope of self-loathing.You know where you question how the dress will not fit in just a few months if you put on weight*. How the dress was not even that pretty. And how you don't understand the value of money. And how you waste it at any given opportunity. And how nothing can be done to fix you. Basically, all your life choices and decisions suck. You suck.That.So I spent the next week "silently" moping. To myself. Started wearing the oldest** clothes in my wardrobe to work. It did not make me feel any better. I made attempts to go back to the shop to return the dress but held back as they believed only in exchange and not returns. Smart!So I did the next best thing any smarter, self-aware person should do in such situation.Come weekend, I went back to the shop and bought more matching clothes to go with the festive dress.BOOM!*Which in my case is a rare possibility btw. Boo yeah!**More than 10 years old. It's normal to have such clothes in great condition. Boo yeah^2!

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Gratitude journal entry # 78378934

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When breath becomes air by Paul Kalanithi