off the top of my head

I usually put a lot of efforts in anything I do. Well, when I was small, dad used to say that you should give anything your 100% or else not do it in the first place. It kind of stuck with me. And sometimes unknowingly also I put my whole self into stuff I do.


This project was one such thing. I had gone through some personal lows and a major existential crisis, when it had started. Doing something so audacious without knowing the chances of success and throwing myself in, came as a huge moral and ego boost. But when the moment of culmination came, (when we presented it to a panel of judges) I was drained, exhausted. I knew this wasnt anything new. I have a set pattern of reactions after anything I have put my heart into comes to an end (or a point where a decision has to be taken). I hit rock bottom. Some part of the feeling is simply physical and mental exhaustion and the rest is 'oh-no-this-is-over!' or 'oh-no-now-i-dont-know-whats-going-to-happen!'.


And in such a state, I went to ESPN zone where the organizers had arranged for a gaming session, food and drinks. After much coaxing from my team mates I sat on one of the racing consoles. But I could not get my sentimental self to play anything. And as I was staring into nothingness (my friends call it my 'staring-into-thin-air' act!) a kid on a neighbouring machine nudged me and said 'You know what, you can take my card and play!' I know, that was the sweetest and kindest thing anyone can say, in today's world. But silly me was so touched, that I started crying. To avoid further embarrassment, I decided to get some fresh air. Having lived in Chicago for 2 years, things seem familiar in any other big city. So without thinking I ventured out and started walking. After walking for almost 4 blocks, I realized I should head back, (in case I had lost my way). In fact I was in such a hopeless state, that I was secretly hoping I was lost. But the most strange thing happened, and after random turns I reached where I had started. 


I dont know why I wrote this down and am publishing it. I dont even know, if I could give words to my frame of mind. But I just want to share this with someone. May be at least some of you wont find this weird and tell me that its normal.


I am happy with the way my life is, but I wanted to get lost. I really dont know if its weird or not.


~nightflier